What does grief feel like? (An attempt at coherent thoughts after 4 months post loss..)

As I am starting to write this entry, I am finding myself more and more anxious that I won't be able to fully accurately express the full range of emotions/thoughts I have experienced thus far since my older brother left us. Perhaps it is just something that should not surprise me, as I have long been dealing with anxieties a-plenty, and this..."situation" if you will, just magnifies it to infinity. I know people usually say that there is no universal instruction manual for grief. Part of that is because we experience things as individuals, so everyone's experience will not be identical. However, I have read many articles over the last few years about how to properly deal with negative, or just the "unhappy emotions" (for my own benefit and to learn how to be a better "listening ear") and most of them say that there are universal elements that apply in any kind of grief (because of our humanity; more specifically, our struggles because of our depravity in our human-ness). That might sound quite "Captain Obvious" but honestly, I think that is something we really should be reminded of more often. So back to my point about grief. Because we all experience grief differently, it is essential to realize that even family members grieving a parent or sibling need to be validated with their own way of grief. You might be thinking...This sounds very technical for someone who is grieving very deeply. Well, see, that's exactly the point I want to make. This way of expressing my feelings regarding my grief through a blog post will hopefully be some kind of therapy, or relief, or...healing. I really don't even know what word I am looking for, because I have very little understanding of grief in the big picture because this is the first time I've really actually grieved. I have lost friends, and siblings of friends. I've lost grandparents and aunts too, but I didn't really know them, so I have a hard time saying that I grieved. So..what does grief feel like? It feels like everything in your immediate bubble just froze, and life is moving around you, you can see it, and interact with it, but you're not really living in it. Even when you try to, you just feel like a robot, or someone who has been crushed by a MACK truck and their capacity to function properly has ceased. I think it kind of feels like someone has been controlling me as a marionette is controlled by a puppeteer. They have no choice but to comply. I have been able to get out of bed each day, but that really has been more of a well-rounded struggle, i.e. mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually...My insomnia has multiplied during these last few weeks, to the point where I just get so exhausted by my insomnia that I fall asleep, it's not really a smooth retreat into the unconscious (actually, I don't really ever remember this being true of my sleep). The first few weeks after it happened, I had no appetite whatsoever. I no longer wanted coffee and the normal things that I usually crave on a daily basis. My appetite has slowly been growing back to normal, but a new sort of normal. That's another important thing to understand about grief is that grief changes you, whether you recognize it or not. Your perspective about life changes, and your priorities change. I think this is perhaps a very menial thing to mention, but the things that were a part of you before just become more evident, and shockingly so. For example, grief has made me realize how jaded I had become about the things in my life that were important. I had let them kind of slip away into the daily grind of life, and just not really celebrating things like small victories, and personal achievements, especially ones that related to my struggle with anxiety and depression. So, back to the original question, as I state in the title of this post, what does grief FEEL like...it feels like alot of things. It feels like alot of new things, and it feels like alot of old things that become more intense. Something that has helped to keep my head on, at least up until now is the fact that I literally can't do ANYTHING to change the fact that my dearly loved brother is gone. It kept hitting me like I was being constantly pummeled with a ton of bricks for the first month. Now it is more like a very huge heavy gust of wind that knocks me over on to my face. And yet, even in this feeling of overwhelm, I have begun to feel a sort of...surrender. It is maybe the beginning of the stage of acceptance (from Kubler-Ross's stages of grief), but it is just barely grazing the tip, because really most of the grief I have felt has stayed in a sort of zombie-fyed living. I go through the motions of waking up, getting out of bed (even more begrudgingly, though), caring on with the daily routine such as eating, laundry, etc...It wasn't really until a few weeks ago I was somewhat ready to go to church for the first time since it happened..I went on Mother's Day, oddly enough, and I don't think that was the best choice of Sundays to go..Anyway, the point is that there is still so much to heal from..and I don't really even know what I mean by heal..but I guess that's how I would describe the feeling of life being torn into little pieces all of a sudden. It becomes not just a realization of finding out how to live post loss, living without the possibilities of change, but to get to a new sort of normal in a daily basis and perhaps that is what is the most...daunting. It is the most measurable in a way, so it naturally becomes the thing that I worry about the most because it is the thing I have control over. After he passed, I think about all the things that I want to do before I die. I know that probably sounds a bit..morbid...but honestly, that is the reality I am living right now. I want to be able to honor him in the best ways I know how, and I think one of those would be to travel, to experience new things. I think we understood each other in a different way than my younger brother or sister did. I "got" him and I think he "got" me too, but never really expressed it. I was his innocent sweet do-no-harm little sister and that is the way he remembered me, for years after he left the family and did his thing in Seattle.. On some days, that idea makes me cringe. But on other days, I am so grateful that there was at least some good genuine untainted association of family. I am grateful that he left his music behind. It won't be conversational voice, but it is at least the basic sound of his voice, which gives me comfort. I am afraid that I will forget what he was like, and in doing so, keeping me in a state of the obscure. I don't want to always be aware of every single detail about him, but I also don't want to forget the things that were the most special, like even the perhaps trivial details like his favorite candy, or his favorite movie, etc....Perhaps as I remember certain things I don't want to forget, I will come back to this post, and add them and save those changes.

I miss my brother more than anything..I wish we could have talked...I wish I could have told him face to face that I loved him. I wish I could know whether I will see him again in eternity. I wish that expressing thoughts and feelings through type wasn't so restrictive and that I could fully express what I feel, how I hurt, what I struggle with day to day. I wish I could turn back time and beg and plead with him not to do it. I wish I could know when I will be "normal" and be able to live and make choices without hesitation or fear of the unknown, or fear of loosing someone else close to me.

One of the best memories of him was when he had called the house while he was in the Air Force, I can't remember if that was during basic, or when he was actually overseas in England...but I was the only one at the house at that time, and so we just talked for pretty much 2 hours straight...the longest phone call I've ever had...it was probably the first time we had really talked like a heart-to-heart (corny, I know) but it was so encouraging to know that he still wanted to connect with me like he did when we were just kids...I cherish that so much. In fact it's really the main thing that keeps me getting up each day, just remembering that not all his time here was depressing and full of turmoil. <3

Something I am looking forward to in the next few months...perhaps longer if needed...is the possibility of being able to respond to people who ask me how I am (either stranger or friend) and I can reply without hesitation and with clarity, "I'm okay/alright" and not regret it. That day seems so far from now, but I know I won't be in this state of grief forever, at least that's what I hope for and aim for every day.

I love you and miss you Joel so so so so so much!!!!! I am relieved and comforted in some small way to know that your earthly body/earthly mind is not suffering anymore.

Now for the time of reflecting on the eternity part..I pray that it is true all of what people say to me about how God is a God of compassion and mercy and He knew full well what Joel was going through and would do at his very last moment. It's a strange yet comforting thought, but still hits pretty hard and overwelms me and my emotions...I don't think it will always feel this way...If anyone is reading this far, thank you. But if anyone has any particular Scripture or reading material on this, specifically relating to peace about suicide of loved ones, and their salvation. I know it's kind of a tricky subject but anything would be greatly appreciated!!!! Much love to everyone!!!!

~Becca


Just Breathe - Pearl Jam (Live at Austin City Limits)

2017....

Restless...Unpredictable....Emotionally stretching....Exciting....These are just some of the words I would describe this past year. When I reflect on how this past year has shaped me, I can identify two main areas: patience, and identity. This has mainly been evident in my interaction with my co-workers and my general search for deeper meaning in my life. I suppose you could call it something of a quarter life crisis, if there even is something identifiable like that. I leave this year feeling a sense of regret, not so much for the things I did do, but rather for the opportunities I missed. These opportunities came more so in the form of situational choices, not so much major life decisions. For example, often I would avoid a situation if I knew a certain person would be there because I would not be emotionally prepared to talk to them for one reason or another. My fragility has been made known to me especially this year, and I think back on the moments when I caused myself so much unnecessary heartache because of some irrational conflict I had with the situation. I have definitely grown alot in other areas, though, as I see myself becoming more aware of my need for regular communion with my perfect and compassionate Savior, Jesus. My ever present struggle with anxiety has magnified this year, partially because I have created a domino effect, like the more I avoid situations because of my anxiety, the more anxiety I have about even thinking about avoiding new situations. Anyway, taking all of this into consideration of the summary of 2017, I can say that it has been a moderately stressful year. I suppose this could be considered an accomplishment, as I have managed to minimize my negative reaction to things through sharing those struggles with certain trusted friends. I also must say I am extremely grateful for the welcoming hearts I have received from the new Life Group I started attending this year after graduating and having a more open schedule...

In order to create some sort of organization for the review of 2017, I think the best way to do this is to organize by month, and just include bullet points of the main things that happened or things I was affected by.

January
-RBC Spiritual Enrichment chapels
-Visit a Greek Orthodox church for History of Christianity at RBC
-Logan Cole (RBC students' friend) shot at West Liberty high school
-RBC new Student Center move in day
-RBC All-night volleyball
-Roomie from first year came to celebrate my birthday
-Schuster Center R&B/Motown concert with bro for my birthday

February
-Haircut (16 in. off)
-New glasses/prescription

March
-Missions Conference at RBC
-Open House for new Student Center
-One Night worship at Gloria Theatre in Urbana
-RBC chorale retreat weekend

April
-RBC chorale tour (Iowa, Nebraska, Kansas, Texas, Oklahoma, Illinois, Indiana)
-IFI banquet at OSU
-RBC All-night volleyball

May
-RBC Talent Show
-I graduate from RBC

June
-Beethoven concert with mom/dad at church in Dayton

July
-CMC annual conference in Holmes County (Kidron)

August
-Gungor concert The Avenue in Gingamsbug with dad

September
-Meet up with Danielle B in Columbus
-FBC annual fall picnic
-New life group (Beamans)
-Sister gets married
-Dvorak concert at Schuster Center with mom/dad

October
-Ed Sheeran concert with a few co-workers
-SYTYCD tour in Indiana with mom
-Mendelssohn concert at Schuster Center with mom/dad

November
-Trip to Minnesota to see RBC friend
-RBC All-night volleyball

December
-RBC Christmas concert with mom
-Life Group Christmas party

These are just a sampling of the things I accomplished and participated in. I would say that most of my time this year was either taken up by finishing Bible College or working steady 40 hrs/week at McDonalds. I must say that I am so looking forward to next year, but at the same time I am dreading it because there are so many things that have been left unsettled. I could make a whole blog post about these things but for now I will just leave it at that. The things I am most looking forward to this next year is really taking charge of my life with practical steps to accomplish my goals, and not looking too much ahead to the bigger picture. What are you all looking forward to this next year? What are your goals/resolutions? Leave me a comment on here, or on facebook.

Goodbye 2017, hello 2018!!!

Much love,
Becca

Reflections on Study Abroad in Spain Winter Term '16 - WEEK 3 Jan 20th-26th

Wednesday, January 20th:
Today was the day trip to Cordoba. Just west of Cordoba is Madinat AL-Zahr, which is an old city build around a palace constructed by a ruler in the 10th century named Abd al-Rahman II. It was rainy and overcast the whole day. :(

Here are some pictures from the ruins and the rest of the day.

Madinat-Al Zahr

Great Cathedral-Cathedral of Cordoba

Alcazar de Los Reyes Christianos

Roman Bridge

Gateway from Renaissance time period

Ancient temple ruins

Thursday, January 21th: 
Thursday mornings were typically bible study/prayer meetings at the church (name of church) and they were right before class time so when it was finished we went to the classroom to take a test on everything about Cordoba. Later that day, we went to a radio station in a little "hole-in-the-wall" location called Riogordo. It was simply gorgeous!! I wish I had my camera to take some pictures. The literal translation of this name is "Fat River". A group of us went to a little radio station hosted by someone named Bea (I don't remember her last name) and she held a live interview with the group who came on that day (the rest of the group had their interviews on another day). I was just starting to feel ill and unable to participate in the interview which I felt horrible for but I still was an "audience member" not introduced to the show. The radio station was for Christian students in Spain who were learning English (the interviews were group-guided with prompts from Bea in the recording booth). It was really cool and I wish I could have felt better to participate. The group that I went with included Danielle, Thomas, Kaitlyn, and Nick. There was definitely some lively discussion and a few awkward pauses and interruptions, which made it almost comical (although it wasn't intended to be, obviously). After the radio station, we went with Bea to first get some Spanish pastries at a little street shop and then to a coffeeshop right up the street. After we sipped our drinks and ate our sweets, we got a tour of an olive oil factory. Here are a few pictures from the tour. 

Friday, January 22nd:
And here is the most depressing day of the whole Spain cross-cultural study term. I spent all day in bed with a very intense head cold. It was AWFUL. I was so sick my body would not let me move. I didn't go to class or do any group activities. I just stayed in bed and focused on getting well.

Saturday, January 23rd:   
This is one of my favorite days out of the whole term. One of my dreams since I was very young has been to actually go to a live professional soccer game in the country it is being played in. I also would give myself "brownie points" if it was involving either Real Madrid or Barcelona. Well, little did I know that I would get to fulfill a childhood dream while I was in Spain and it was actually shockingly cheap!! A group of us went to the Barcelona vs. Malaga game and it was awesomeeee!!!!! Barcelona ended up winning (surprise, surprise...) but it was still very entertaining and I loved being there to experience the crowd excitement.  The group included Kristina, Nick, Ked, Ivan (the pastor of the host church) and the professor for the term, Phil and his wife, Maretta. I am so thankful that I was well enough (aside from a few sniffles now and then...) to go to the game. Now my goal is to see Real Madrid play....A girl can dream right?? Here are a few pictures from the game, pre-kick off. 

This was just an all-around great day because not only did I get to go to the soccer (or, futbol) game, my house-mate Danielle and I got to really talk about character, and character qualities and many other topics on a deep level. We also talked about my thoughts on what it would be like to be single forever.  

Sunday, January 24th:
After church, Kaitlyn, Danielle, Miriam and I all went to the local McD's to eat and hang out. 

Clockwise from left: Miriam, Kaitlyn, me, Danielle

Photo cred: Danielle's camera

We also just had an "act like a child" detour by playing on the playground in that area. It was lovely. The beach was also part of this gallivanting. :) There was a couple we met who saw that I had my bible (it was a thinline ESV Bible with no obvious label on the front that it was a Bible, but they asked about it and asked if we attended church there in Spain. We had a great conversation about mutual friends connecting from the host church in Rincon.

All previous pictures taken on Danielle's camera

Monday, January 25th:
Today was our first exam for Engaging Contemporary Culture class. Then after class, Danielle and I walked to Rincon, on our way to an interview for ECC class for a paper about nominality. Danielle found a mutual friend of someone who attended the church in Rincon. On our way to the interview location, we stopped at a bread shop to try to find wifi to get connected with the interviewee. Danielle and I both agreed it smelled like what we think Heaven will smell like, among other intoxicating smells. After no luck with wifi there, we wandered over to a coffeeshop with a sign that said "free wifi" in Spanish so we stopped there, used the wifi and also had a coffee to drink. The place was called Oveja Negra. After successful communication regarding info for the interview, we walked over to the beach boardwalk to a bar where Danielle was to conduct the interview. The interview was really moving, even with the lady's poor English...She cried a few times when she started talking about the contrast between her experiences growing up with what she wished life would be like with meaning...It was super cool and I hope to continue to stay in contact with her as I was able to participate in the interview as a second interviewer to help the conversation move. When we were done with the "nominality" aspect of the interview, our English speaking host spoke about how she can have a "family", and we will always be family for her. I cried. I miss her. She moved to Barcelona shortly after we left Spain, so it's not likely I will ever see her again.

After the interview, we went by bus to Malaga to eat at a Domino's (I didn't know they had Dominos outside the US!) and it was fabulous. We laughed a lot and bonded (Danielle, me, Hermes and Mirian). Danielle and I took the bus back to Rincon and relaxed at our host home.

Domino's version of lava cakes...so good but so tiny!

Photo cred: Danielle's camera

From left to right: Mirian, Danielle, me

Photo cred: Danielle's camera

Tuesday, January 26th:
Today was a really cool day because we got to go to the first prayer group/bible study group for a new church plant in the area. The meeting was led by a couple who attended the church in Rincon so we already knew them. It was great! Kristina (from our group) prayed in Spanish to close. We had a Spanish quiz in class after we left the meeting. Then later that afternoon, we had our Spanish conversation lessons at one of the host homes. Great memories! Later that evening, Danielle and I talked till really late about character and how iron sharpens iron. Very great devo time! We also had a Spanish version of apple pie, and it was delish!! It was actually more like an apple tart than a pie.