Forever single?

I have had so many thoughts about this for a while now and I want to attempt to get out of my "writers block" mindset, so here goes nothing.

I consider myself to be a very intense thinker. I tend to over analyze people's comments about how I do things. To a certain extent, I think this is because I have assumed that my home experience is the same as how people get talked to in "life in the real world" and I attribute this to my relationship with my mom. This is a topic for another blog. When it comes to my self image, I tend to me my own worst enemy, it seems. In middle school through junior high, I had established enough confidence to have a decent conversation with guys, particularly ones that I had a crush on. I would call this the "friend zone". However, as I got older and continued with my homeschooling education, I kind of did the "one step forward, two steps backward" with friendships and conversations. I realize that this is quite a common pattern especially in this age range. Being the naturally shy person made me even more awkward and shy around guys continuing into my high school years. I don't know how many people who know me know that I repeated my sophomore year because my mom and I agreed that I "wasn't ready". This relates to my "development of self" in that as I was repeating my sophmore year, I was taking my education online, and this kind of blocked the rest of my development socially. Having said this, I do believe that the friends I made at church were a great blessing and helped to balance my social life. The first "real" experience with interaction with guys in a social environment was when I transferred partway through my junior year. My mom and I agreed that it would be good for me to get more social interaction and opportunities to explore some arts-related classes such as music, that I wouldn't have been able to have with just online. Transferring to a private Christian school was one of the best decisions of my life so far, if not my high school years. It was so scary to go from barely any interaction with people to seeing the same faces every day and not only that, but being able to have a trust built on shared faith. If I had gone to the local public school, finding people to connect with on a deeper level would be like finding a needle in a haystack. This is all to say that I am beyond grateful for the time I had at the high school I graduated from. Deciding where to go to continue my education after I graduated was another tough decision. When I finally decided to go to Edison, it was because of the closeness and thus, the ease of travel, and also the money would be more realistic. The topic of study for my degree was somewhat secondary. I think that if I had more resources and my circumstances were a little bit different at that time, I would have pursued a degree at a Christian college/university. I think this is because my faith is such an important part of my life. My time at Edison was interesting...(I graduated with a Medical Office Support Associates of Business). While I was there, I was focused on my classes and not so much the social activities that were available. It doesn't help that 99% of people that I talk to think that I am 17 or 18, or if I'm really lucky, 19 (Again, this is another topic for another blog). This "avoidance" of social activities prevented me from even further interaction with guys my age. Another thing to point out is that I didn't get my license til I was 21 and my first car I got when I was 20. Being dependent on my parents or other sources of transportation through my adolescent/young adult years limited my availability to go out and have fun.

This leads me to my main point of this whole blog. I have been wrestling with the thought of maybe being "forever single". This concept on some days makes my stomach turn, but on other days, I am at peace with it. I am not saying that I think it is likely that I won't find someone to spend the rest of my life with. It has just come to my attention that I am SO BEYOND the typical social development of my peers i.e. by this time (I'm 23) they have graduated from a 4 year college (I only did 2 to finish my degree, which is fine) and have through their college/university of choice or possibly from earlier friendships found a Godly guy to marry. Quite a few of them have started a family, as in, at least one kid, and a few have 2. I don't have a strong desire to marry or have a kid at this point in my life. Maybe this is the reason why I haven't developed any relationships that could possibly turn into marriage.

As my single life continues, I reflect on scripture that talks about finding fulfillment in Christ and that He is everything you need. I definitely think this has kept my head up through all of this overwhelming time. I begin to think about my life as a whole and how many times I have put my faith in Christ for things that I know without a doubt that I would fail without Him. As I learn to make this my focus and let it drive all of my decisions, I think that is when I am more at peace.

While I haven't discovered yet what it really means to let Christ be sufficient for all my needs, and while I know I won't ever "arrive" and know the full extent, I hope that I can bring up something that is not talked about enough, I think. Living the rest of my life single really doesn't sound all that bad if I am using my singleness to use every opportunity to love Christ and love people. That is the sum purpose of my life as Matthew 22 verse 37 through 38 describes. Loving people does not necessary have to be in context of believers only. Loving people means showing compassion and treating others how you want to be treated. This should be my main goal as I continue through this messy, confusing, yet overwhelming beauty of being single, and maybe if God gives me the opportunity to meet someone, the goal remains the same.

<3 Becca <3