As I am starting to write this entry, I am finding myself more and more anxious that I won't be able to fully accurately express the full range of emotions/thoughts I have experienced thus far since my older brother left us. Perhaps it is just something that should not surprise me, as I have long been dealing with anxieties a-plenty, and this..."situation" if you will, just magnifies it to infinity. I know people usually say that there is no universal instruction manual for grief. Part of that is because we experience things as individuals, so everyone's experience will not be identical. However, I have read many articles over the last few years about how to properly deal with negative, or just the "unhappy emotions" (for my own benefit and to learn how to be a better "listening ear") and most of them say that there are universal elements that apply in any kind of grief (because of our humanity; more specifically, our struggles because of our depravity in our human-ness). That might sound quite "Captain Obvious" but honestly, I think that is something we really should be reminded of more often. So back to my point about grief. Because we all experience grief differently, it is essential to realize that even family members grieving a parent or sibling need to be validated with their own way of grief. You might be thinking...This sounds very technical for someone who is grieving very deeply. Well, see, that's exactly the point I want to make. This way of expressing my feelings regarding my grief through a blog post will hopefully be some kind of therapy, or relief, or...healing. I really don't even know what word I am looking for, because I have very little understanding of grief in the big picture because this is the first time I've really actually grieved. I have lost friends, and siblings of friends. I've lost grandparents and aunts too, but I didn't really know them, so I have a hard time saying that I grieved. So..what does grief feel like? It feels like everything in your immediate bubble just froze, and life is moving around you, you can see it, and interact with it, but you're not really living in it. Even when you try to, you just feel like a robot, or someone who has been crushed by a MACK truck and their capacity to function properly has ceased. I think it kind of feels like someone has been controlling me as a marionette is controlled by a puppeteer. They have no choice but to comply. I have been able to get out of bed each day, but that really has been more of a well-rounded struggle, i.e. mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually...My insomnia has multiplied during these last few weeks, to the point where I just get so exhausted by my insomnia that I fall asleep, it's not really a smooth retreat into the unconscious (actually, I don't really ever remember this being true of my sleep). The first few weeks after it happened, I had no appetite whatsoever. I no longer wanted coffee and the normal things that I usually crave on a daily basis. My appetite has slowly been growing back to normal, but a new sort of normal. That's another important thing to understand about grief is that grief changes you, whether you recognize it or not. Your perspective about life changes, and your priorities change. I think this is perhaps a very menial thing to mention, but the things that were a part of you before just become more evident, and shockingly so. For example, grief has made me realize how jaded I had become about the things in my life that were important. I had let them kind of slip away into the daily grind of life, and just not really celebrating things like small victories, and personal achievements, especially ones that related to my struggle with anxiety and depression. So, back to the original question, as I state in the title of this post, what does grief FEEL like...it feels like alot of things. It feels like alot of new things, and it feels like alot of old things that become more intense. Something that has helped to keep my head on, at least up until now is the fact that I literally can't do ANYTHING to change the fact that my dearly loved brother is gone. It kept hitting me like I was being constantly pummeled with a ton of bricks for the first month. Now it is more like a very huge heavy gust of wind that knocks me over on to my face. And yet, even in this feeling of overwhelm, I have begun to feel a sort of...surrender. It is maybe the beginning of the stage of acceptance (from Kubler-Ross's stages of grief), but it is just barely grazing the tip, because really most of the grief I have felt has stayed in a sort of zombie-fyed living. I go through the motions of waking up, getting out of bed (even more begrudgingly, though), caring on with the daily routine such as eating, laundry, etc...It wasn't really until a few weeks ago I was somewhat ready to go to church for the first time since it happened..I went on Mother's Day, oddly enough, and I don't think that was the best choice of Sundays to go..Anyway, the point is that there is still so much to heal from..and I don't really even know what I mean by heal..but I guess that's how I would describe the feeling of life being torn into little pieces all of a sudden. It becomes not just a realization of finding out how to live post loss, living without the possibilities of change, but to get to a new sort of normal in a daily basis and perhaps that is what is the most...daunting. It is the most measurable in a way, so it naturally becomes the thing that I worry about the most because it is the thing I have control over. After he passed, I think about all the things that I want to do before I die. I know that probably sounds a bit..morbid...but honestly, that is the reality I am living right now. I want to be able to honor him in the best ways I know how, and I think one of those would be to travel, to experience new things. I think we understood each other in a different way than my younger brother or sister did. I "got" him and I think he "got" me too, but never really expressed it. I was his innocent sweet do-no-harm little sister and that is the way he remembered me, for years after he left the family and did his thing in Seattle.. On some days, that idea makes me cringe. But on other days, I am so grateful that there was at least some good genuine untainted association of family. I am grateful that he left his music behind. It won't be conversational voice, but it is at least the basic sound of his voice, which gives me comfort. I am afraid that I will forget what he was like, and in doing so, keeping me in a state of the obscure. I don't want to always be aware of every single detail about him, but I also don't want to forget the things that were the most special, like even the perhaps trivial details like his favorite candy, or his favorite movie, etc....Perhaps as I remember certain things I don't want to forget, I will come back to this post, and add them and save those changes.
I miss my brother more than anything..I wish we could have talked...I wish I could have told him face to face that I loved him. I wish I could know whether I will see him again in eternity. I wish that expressing thoughts and feelings through type wasn't so restrictive and that I could fully express what I feel, how I hurt, what I struggle with day to day. I wish I could turn back time and beg and plead with him not to do it. I wish I could know when I will be "normal" and be able to live and make choices without hesitation or fear of the unknown, or fear of loosing someone else close to me.
One of the best memories of him was when he had called the house while he was in the Air Force, I can't remember if that was during basic, or when he was actually overseas in England...but I was the only one at the house at that time, and so we just talked for pretty much 2 hours straight...the longest phone call I've ever had...it was probably the first time we had really talked like a heart-to-heart (corny, I know) but it was so encouraging to know that he still wanted to connect with me like he did when we were just kids...I cherish that so much. In fact it's really the main thing that keeps me getting up each day, just remembering that not all his time here was depressing and full of turmoil. <3
Something I am looking forward to in the next few months...perhaps longer if needed...is the possibility of being able to respond to people who ask me how I am (either stranger or friend) and I can reply without hesitation and with clarity, "I'm okay/alright" and not regret it. That day seems so far from now, but I know I won't be in this state of grief forever, at least that's what I hope for and aim for every day.
I love you and miss you Joel so so so so so much!!!!! I am relieved and comforted in some small way to know that your earthly body/earthly mind is not suffering anymore.
Now for the time of reflecting on the eternity part..I pray that it is true all of what people say to me about how God is a God of compassion and mercy and He knew full well what Joel was going through and would do at his very last moment. It's a strange yet comforting thought, but still hits pretty hard and overwelms me and my emotions...I don't think it will always feel this way...If anyone is reading this far, thank you. But if anyone has any particular Scripture or reading material on this, specifically relating to peace about suicide of loved ones, and their salvation. I know it's kind of a tricky subject but anything would be greatly appreciated!!!! Much love to everyone!!!!
~Becca
Just Breathe - Pearl Jam (Live at Austin City Limits)
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